First, some context, dear Reader: Sage Soto has the aptitude to calculate complicated strings of numbers in an instant. When she was a child, teachers thought her talent made her remarkable. Her family thought it made her a freak.
Sage tried turning her back on math by becoming a psychiatrist but, now, she dislikes people more than integers. In the psychiatry profession Sage has become all too familiar with the abnormal personality traits people develop as a result of odd or abusive parenting and prolonged exposure both mainstream media and social media.
Sage’s parents have lots of siblings. Her cousins have lots of siblings, too. But Sage is an only child. Therefore, no one in her family received as much attention as Sage seems to. She would prefer no attention over scrutiny. Sage decides her own future offspring – of which she will have many – will not grow up feeling ostracized on account of any personal peculiarities: She will rear them in a utopian community where no one is allowed to be peculiar and everyone lives and behaves like normal human beings.
Reader, Sage is developing this utopia herself. She will name it Compos Mentis, after the Latin medical term for being of sound mind. She is in the beginning stages of populating it. Sage’s assistant, Greta, has been helping extensively with this endeavor.
*
Though Sage has many grievances against them and finds them, in general, unattractive and severely off-putting, she and Greta first screened all the adult applicants with penises who stated they were able and willing to procreate with consenting adult applicants who carry wombs. The former are all cis-gendered, unfortunately (but not unexpectedly). In her line of work it is well-known that cis-gendered males, especially those outside of the global majority, are mostly incapable of behaving normally, despite their overall mediocrity. Upon signing their consent, the latter demographic will choose which individuals they are willing to procreate with. No others will be allowed to approach them.
Of the nearly 5,000 US applicants, 133 cis men managed to fit the criteria for normalcy presented on Sage’s 300-page pre-screening doctrine. And she wondered, in all honestly, how that many actually managed to make it through.
In accordance with Sage’s demands and instructions, Greta has organized an upscale gathering for the 133 men for further testing. Only the utmost normal of the bunch will be allowed residence in Compos Mentis and, subsequently, will be denied any requests to leave.
*
Sage finds it unfortunate that she will have to interact with so many men tonight but, alas, Reader, she is on her way to the gathering to evaluate for herself the applicants’ potential. The men she deems perfectly normal are expected to inhabit Compos Mentis and aid in the promulgation of its population.
Sage’s aptitude for mathematics and her experience in psychiatry will make the selection process an anxiety-inducing one. She could really use an assistant at this point in the utopia-building journey to help fill in the blanks to the math word problems she routinely creates in her head. Greta cannot be relied upon to assist in this area, so Sage is relying on you, Reader. If the statistical probability of abnormal behavior is too high, she may abandon this endeavor altogether.
Sage fears the odds are feasible that these men have lied about their normalcy for a chance to access this opportunity. Sage wants to avoid, at all costs, ushering in anyone untrustworthy. Even lying about something seemingly innocuous, such as oral hygiene habits, will put the utopia at risk of collapse. Sage aspires to keep Compos Mentis germ-free, is all. In her experience the less time a person spends attending to their hygiene, the more time they have to attend to their (other) idiosyncrasies. For example, Sage knows even people with straight, relatively white teeth may have bacterial infections in their gums. Her skin crawls thinking of the 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria exchanged during a French kiss.
The signed confirmations from dentists attesting to the applicants’ outstanding oral health does little to mollify Sage, as there is no foolproof way of confirming these men do not indulge in any uncouth oral fetishes they would be remiss to disclose to their doctors. Sage is thinking about the 15% who, according to science, may secretly bite their own toes. She has had many patients confess to doing this, even when it did not feel like an organic moment for such a confession. Of the 133 men at the gathering, Sage calculates that ___ of them are likely to be toe-biting aficionados.
Sage cannot help but fret over the numerous other fetishes these men might entertain, fetishes Greta likely forgot to inquire about in the follow-up interviews – like formicophilia. Sage has never actually met someone who enjoys letting insects crawl on and through their genitals but, according to medical data, 1.5% of all men find it titillating. Therefore, she expects that ___ of the 133 applicants will be formicophiles. Sage will not tolerate insect fetishes in Compos Mentis.
But she does not want their (her) future progeny to inherit any insect phobias, either. Sage will try to keep all insects and arachnids out of the utopia, but if they creep in, no one is allowed to fear them. Eventually, she wants the concept of fear to be nonexistent in Compos Mentis. Sage is all too aware that fear creates uprisings and pandemonium.
There are too many fears and phobias to ask about and too little time in Greta’s life to do so. Sage is beginning to spiral, for she knows that 5% of the American adult population has one or more clinically significant phobias – many involve insects, but many more involve much less reasonable stimuli, like certain colors or driving directions. Thus, ___ of them are likely terrified of unreasonable things like the color purple or turning to their left. This is worrisome, because Sage intends for all traffic lights to be purple in Compos Mentis and all traffic signs will direct citizens to the left so as to keep them traveling in circles without any hope of ever finding a way out.
Left-handed people will not be allowed in Compos Mentis, either. Sage’s research shows more than 2500 lefties are killed each year from using products made for right-handed people. She is rightfully suspicious of lefties involved in the research and development of products which are perfectly safe and functional in the right hand, but are deathly impossible to use with the left. Sage is beginning to worry that Greta may not have accurately analyzed the handwriting samples the men submitted. ___ men at the gathering could quite possibly be lefties trying to pass themselves off as righteous individuals.
Sage is now fretting over the myriad of personal details the men may have conveniently kept off the applications, such as their real birth names. It is a well-known fact within the psychiatric field that people with unusual first names are 50% more likely to suffer from identity crises than people with common first names. Although she was very stern in stating to Greta the importance of confirming the authenticity of the birth certificates the men submitted, Sage feels certain that at least ___ of the 133 men have names that are widely considered non-traditional for their ethnicity, race, or gender and are trying to keep it a secret from her. Self-image issues will not be tolerated in Compos Mentis.
*
Gripping the steering wheel at 10 and 2, Sage wrings her hands around the vinyl. She is perspiring profusely, reeling over the most burdensome drawback of her mathematical gift: the ability to instantaneously calculate the chance of being murdered anywhere she goes. Considering close to 4% of the US cis-gendered male population is made up of murderers, and a sample of that population is eagerly awaiting her arrival, ___ of the 133 men are undoubtedly murderers planning on taking her life, rather than entirely normal men planning on creating new life under her watch in a harmonious community where personalities and problems do not exist.
Sage no longer has time to dwell on these things, Reader. She parks her car in front of the banquet hall. This is her chance to make her utopian dream come true. She had Greta do her very best to bring the most normal men in the country here. And you have wracked your brain to solve the math problems that could help put her at ease. Sage only hopes she will be able to single out the truly normal patrons.
But there is a ___ in ___ chance she will not.
Reader, based on your calculations, does it seem statistically sound for Sage to move forward in her pursuit of Compos Mentis? If not, how would you present your opposition to her? If so, she might ask you to join her mission. Are you willing to submit yourself to her Criteria for Normalcy pre-screening document?
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Yve Chairez is a Chicana writer of mainly speculative and
absurdist feminist fiction, and a scholar in the studies of writing,
performance, and Latinx literature and art. Currently, she is
co-editing a non-fiction anthology on the subversive nature of fashion
around the Texas-Mexico borderlands and is preparing to co-launch her new
project The Journal of Abandoned Research. She lives in San Antonio,
Texas with her family and their Sphynx, and teaches English at Texas
A&M University – San Antonio.