- Are they attracted to you?
Yes…………………………………………………go to 2
No…………………………………………………..go to 3
- Are you attracted to them?
Yes…………………………………………………go to 4
No, but could be persuaded……………………..go to 5
No, oh, no……………………………..……….….go to 12
- You want them to notice you?
Yes…………………….……………………………go to 6
No, not in a million years…………..……….……go to 12
Not sure……………………………………………go to 12
- What is your next move?
Ask them on a date…………………………………go to 7
Wait for them to ask you on a date#…………….…go to 6
#Only if you are guaranteed to bump into them again.
- What would persuade you?
Their car/motorbike/superyacht…………….…….go to 8
Their personality……………………………………go to 9
Their inner beauty…………………………………..go to 11
Their devotion to you……………………………….go to 9
- How do you persuade them?
Mutual hobbies……………………………………go to 8, 15
Separate hobbies…………………………………go to 15
Your car/motorbike/superyacht……………….…go to 8
Good sense of humour……………………….…..go to 9
Your inner beauty…………………………………go to 13
Your personality…………………………………..go to 13
Make them a friend……………………………….go to 12
- Where will you go for the date?
Restaurant………………………………………….go to 9
Rock concert……………………………………….go to 9
Local pub……………………………………………go to 9
Ensure second date obtained…………………….go to 13
- Your car/motorbike/superyacht
You have worthy specimens already…………………go to 9
Do research, know your stuff…………………….…….go to 9
You’re not the least bothered by their mum’s Fiesta..go to 11
You get the bus too…………………………………..…go to 11
- Snog
Fresh breath, mints at hand……………………………go to 10a, 11
Stinky breath……………………………………………..go to 10d, 12
Slabbery like a wet facecloth…………………………..go to 10e, 12
Delicious………………………………………………….go to 10a, 11
Beard a bit rough………………………………..………go to 10c
- Pharmacy*
a) Condoms.
b) Morning after pill.
c) Face cream
d) Toothpaste
e) Tissues
* 10b may be required if 10a is unsuccessful.
- Shag
Mutually excellent………………………………………….go to 13, 14
They were coming first, but waited on you…………..….go to 13, 14
They came first and fell asleep instantly………………..go to 12
You came first, but waited on them……………………..go to 13, 14
You came first and fell asleep instantly…………………go to 12
Never again………………………………………………..go to 12
Oh my god, was I wearing my beer goggles………..….go to 12
- Block-remove name/ Save for later-keep name
a) Phone.
b) Email.
c) Social Media.
d) Make them a friend (for unrequited dreaming)
- Ensuring a further date**/ How to sparkle**
a) Be positive, glass half full.
b) Passionate, care should be taken not to bore others on hobbies.
c) Encouraging, standing on side-lines in freezing weather may be required.
d) Supportive, going to their Nan’s birthday party could be essential.
e) Get your diary out before the end of every meeting.
** If successful go back to 9.
14. Identifying early undesirable characteristics
Leaving the toilet seat up……………………………….go to 12
Eating cream crackers in bed………………………….go to 12
15. Identifying characteristics which may prolong the relationship.
a) Shared hobbies to do together for something to talk about.
b) Mutually exclusive hobbies, they can do these whilst you drink gin with your mates.
c) Being nice to their mother.
d) They are nice to your mother.
Joyce Bingham is a Scottish writer who enjoys writing short fiction with pieces published by Molotov Cocktail, Ellipsis Zine, FlashBack Fiction, VirtualZine, Funny Pearls and Free Flash Fiction. She lives in the North of England where she makes up stories and tells tall tales. She/her. @JoyceBingham10