11th May 2022
At: Bridge street police station
Charge sheet: Attempted murder/ cannibalism of one Stephen Parcel
Statement: Daniel Marley
I would like to start this statement by first saying how delighted I am to be issued with the most beautiful chargesheet by Sergeant Buds at the local police station today. I was impressed by the consideration they had given to the environment. Not only was this a doubly recycled pulp paper form. The ink had been redeveloped to consider its carbon footprint and the wider impact on our local environ. I checked.
This has given me the perfect opportunity as the usual champion suspect for any environment-based protest in the local area to argue my case. I had no qualms; I knew what was coming. But when you feel strongly about things like I do you must act. The love of this beautiful planet. This is what bestirs my still beating heart.
The events of the day began with our weekly team brief, where Mr Coulson asked the team whether we felt there was anything more we could do to support the organisational green policy. As this is an important issue to me, I felt obliged to put forward some suggestions about how we could achieve this. Before I had the chance to speak, Myra Bentley piped up with a long explanation of how she always rides her bicycle to work. I felt she was rather smug about this, especially as I know she only lives one hundred yards from the office. I sniggered and stated that I hardly felt her meandering pedalling would have any effect on reducing the rising oceans, or indeed offset the carbon footprint of her three yappy little dachshunds that she takes every opportunity to bang on about to anyone who will listen. Everyone could see this was a less than elaborate attempt to deflect from discussing the Range rover your husband drives I added. I noted some murmurs and nods from round the table which I took as a positive sign. I took the opportunity to propose a radical step forward in ripping up the current policy and produced a prepared version of my own.
I started by explaining as honestly as I could that it is all well and good carrying out your recycling, using public transport and litter picking, but we must look at ourselves as a species if we really want to home in on what is truly destroying our planet daily. Putting it simply, if there were less humans, the planet would be a better place. It didn’t take long for people to concur. Adam Putney said that he had written several letters of complaint to the rail network about overcrowding on the trains and Janice from accounts added that it was almost impossible to get her favourite biscuits from the farmers market now the new estate had been built.
This got us on to the idea that I had been itching to put forward. What if, I said, revelling in the moment. What if I were to tell you a way to reduce your carbon footprint to zero? The room went silent for a few minutes. That’s right I said. You could become completely carbon neutral. I admitted it was a radical idea but Mr Coulson, the Director has always encouraged us to think outside the box. There were a couple of people who stated that they were vegan, and whilst I acknowledged their efforts, I politely advised them, in my view they had gone in completely the wrong direction. I explained that the real green heroes wouldn’t eat fruit and vegetables. I said that the man who cannibalises a colleague in the workplace, is so much more than your average green supporter. If you honestly care about the planet I continued, eating another person is a fantastic way to reduce the carbon footprint by almost one hundred per cent. The fact that I was actively encouraging my colleagues in this pursuit seemed initially to have been frowned on by the senior management team, however I pointed out that the current green strategy in at least one respect had been very short sighted. I did state that I thought putting it to a vote as to who should be the first colleague to be eaten was the most democratic way to commence the process and Mr Coulson seemed quite pleased with the idea. I was surprised as anyone when the whole office voted for Stephen Parcel to be the first to ‘contribute to the green agenda’.
I admit that the next few minutes became a bit chaotic in my memory. Stephen really wasn’t too keen on the idea. Janice accused him of not being a team player and to move the discussion forward I gagged him with his knitted tie. There was almost a fight between the IT team and one of the receptionists. IT wanted to stick him on top of one the servers so he could cook gently over several days whilst reception wanted to make good use of the new guillotine machine they had just purchased. We all agreed that breaking the chairs up to build a fire was a bit self-defeating given all the extra carbon that would be released. Some of the vegans stated that if they must eat him then they would prefer to go in raw rather than waste time in the cooking process. Stephen made a break for it during the chat, and it was a matter of a few moments before the police vans arrived.
In my defence I believe it was a good suggestion, however as with all strategies it is important to consider the long-term impacts. If we had implemented this properly, I imagine it would not have been long before the functionality of the organisation had begun to fail, given the necessary reduction in the workforce. I believe this to be an accurate statement of the events. I apologise for any inconvenience I may have caused.
SIGNED Daniel H Marley
Please consider the environment before printing this document
Gavin Turner is a poet and writer. He lives and works in Wigan, England. Alongside recent publications in Roi Faineant press and The Chamber magazine, Gavin’s debut chapbook ‘The Round journey’ was published in May 2022.