Prompts: What was your first intrusive thought? Is everything a lie? Do you regret being born?
i. what was your first intrusive thought
there’s a little girl in my head and she won’t shut up. she doesn’t have a name but she wants one bad, says and i deserve it, for putting up with you all these years. if i give her a name that would make her real. no names. she’s just a voice, sometimes a face. we’ve been together a long time, me and the girl. childhood friends, or
something, i don’t know. i don’t remember where she came from. one day i look up and she’s just there, peering at me from inside the mirror. sometimes she drags a teddy bear under one arm. it’s eyeless and ragged. she asks questions. i don’t like questions.
ii. is everything a lie
is everything a lie, she asks and i tell her no, i don’t know why you’re so cynical. but really what she wants to know – no cynicism this time, just morbid curiosity – is if she’s alive, if she, nothing but a voice in my head, can count herself as real. am i a lie? is everything a lie? are you alive? sometimes we have to admit we don’t know. she got me thinking, though. is everything a lie? a good question, but thinking about insatiable things makes my mind turn in on itself, ouroboros, choking on your own thoughts. if everything is a lie, then so am i. nihilism stares me in the face, old childhood friend. we play hop scotch on the pavement, one two three, can’t touch the ground. when you get to ten, you’re dead.
iii. do you regret being born
when someone really hates you, they tell you they wish you had never been born. amen. she really hates me, i think, but only on Mondays. i find that fair. i hate most everything on Mondays myself. her hatred is never cruel. she just goes silent. it is when she is happy that she asks the question. do you regret being born? hands pressed against mirror glass. sometimes, why? i ask. i just think it might be miserable to be stuck in here with me, that’s all. i try to reassure her. no, it’s better than being alone. she nods, disbelieving, and stuffs her teddy bear’s ear into her mouth.
Freedom Strange (all pronouns) is a young queer writer from Texas. They enjoy collecting old records, picking weeds, and doing people’s astrology charts. follow her on twitter @FreedomStrange or find out more at freedomstrange.carrd.co