Mothering: dREAMING in an aWAKE state

Prompts: What was the reason you woke up this morning? Are you sure you are awake? What should this question be?

I awoke this morning for my children. I am sure that I am awake because I’ve had three coffees and I can hear them asking for things.

But the question should be this…

Am I sure that I am alive?

Yes, today I am. But, I don’t feel this every day. Sometimes I see myself from the corner of the room and wonder; “who IS she?” Or I am up high on the ceiling looking down. “What is she doing?”

I’m there but my spirit is not always…there… I’m here but my soul is leaking. I’m together, but splitting apart, the usually atomic parts of me, reaching their half life.
It’s not a matter of not loving my children, it’s a matter of having lost myself a little along the way.

Weary, lost and alone though surrounded by people is when you know that you’re really losing it. You need a rope, don’t worry, it’s for pulling yourself through, nothing else!

Wicked bad organ music is coming from the keyboard, but I won’t stunt her. As my musical and creative ability was stunted, at first. No! I shall not. I will listen and smile and die a little inside thinking of the many ways I might accidentally mess her up anyway. I will cheer at the discordant notes. I will worry that I’m a failure.

Until tomorrow when I’ve slept better and emerge anew, alive, awake and present in my head. Until the next again day when the kaleidoscope of fractured thoughts envelopes me once more and it all begins again. The organ grinder and the monkey both sit on my back and laugh at me while the wicked bad music plays on.

But then, as the music reaches it crescendo, I see the strand of a rope.

It pokes out from many places: under the sofa, in the smile of a pal, the joy on my child’s face, a good book, a nice coffee that comes with a cake, the promise of a day-trip, a calm afternoon of wandering and talking, a good sleep, a bath or a new pair of shoes (my weakness). Wherever you find it. Make sure you keep waking and do something to remind yourself you ARE.

Awaken, come alive, be you!

Laura Cooney is a multi genre writer from Edinburgh. She has recently been published here in the voidspace, Vine Leaves Press and in Roi Faineant and is enthusiastically creating prompts of Twitter and delving into the community there. When she’s not writing you’ll find her as close to the sea as possible. There will be ice-cream!

Find her on Twitter @lozzawriting and on her blog