Anxiety
What happens is that one small thing becomes very big
For instance, I bought a bed protector blanket
So that my cat wouldn’t throw up on the sheets
I spend several days [[researching]] which one to buy
And the whole time I did, I felt the pressure of time
Like that [[Emily Dickinson]] [[poem]] about [[death]] at her back
Each day I didn’t decide was one more day my cat could throw up on the bed
Though he’d been doing it for years
Finally I ordered one online
It was blue with a paw print design
But it was crinkly and my cat didn’t like lying on it
So I stopped putting it on the bed
Then I had to figure out some place to put it
And there’s not much room in the closet
So I gave it away to someone on Facebook
And I knew I was a fool for buying it in the first place
As soon as I gave it away I thought
The cat will throw up on the sheets again
And it will seep through the sheets
Into the mattress
The mattress is so hard to clean
And I knew I was a fool to give it away
I lay awake at night thinking about it
I said to my [[husband]]
What was I thinking?
Why did I give that blanket away?
They said, If you feel strongly about it, you can always buy another blanket
We can afford it
But they don’t understand the significance it has taken on
It’s not just a blanket
It represents my poor decision-making
An irrevocable [[failure]] that can never be fixed
No matter how many blankets are purchased or given away
Karen Elterman (she/her) is a graduate of the MFA program in fiction at Cornell University. Her essay “your friend, the fitness app” was published in Issue 31 of Nonbinary Review, which has the theme “food”. She is currently working on a science fiction novel.